I have epilepsy and if I don’t take my medication regularly, I could break out and have a seizure at any moment. Even when I do regularly take my medication, sometimes I still have auras or I think they also call them halos.
Sometimes randomly and without warning, I become extremely disoriented and then I go partially blind. It is disturbing, to say the least. I can, and often do as a simple test, hold out a hand in front of my face, just to see if I can see all of my fingers. I know it sounds impossible but in the midst of one of these auras, I won’t be able to see all five digits. I’ll move my pinky finger and I can feel it moving, but I won’t be able to see it. Whenever that is the case I know I’m in serious trouble. If it’s just an aura and not a seizure I don’t black out and start shaking or foaming at the mouth which is good because when that happens I usually wake up in the ER and I hate that.
When it’s not a seizure and just an aura the extreme disorientation and partial blindness pass after a short time and then I am stuck with a very painful migraine headache, gut-wrenching nausea, and overwhelming dizziness. When these things strike I’m usually bed-ridden for at least a day and a half. I lay in a dark room puking to subdue the nausea, downing Tylenol to curb the migraine, and clutching the mattress of my bed with both arms in an effort to make the room stop spinning.
During the recovery time, as I’m sure you can imagine, I spend a lot of time sleeping as well, which brings me to the story behind my previous post. After my last Aura, I was out of commission and sleeping at home on the couch of my television room. And you must understand even though it’s just an aura and not a full-blown seizure, neurons in my brain have misfired setting off a chain reaction that causes other neurons to misfire and basically my brains turn to scrambled eggs. Keep that in mind.
I’m asleep and I’m dreaming and in my dream, I am disembodied consciousness floating in the void of space and I can feel myself slowly losing myself to the void, it’s like my consciousness is dissipating into the nothing that surrounds me. In realizing this and I panic and immediately I try to wake up, only I don’t. A part of me knows I’m dreaming and I try to wake up, but I can’t. I’m trapped, Keep in mind my brain is fried, things aren’t working properly. By now I’m having an out-of-body experience. One-quarter of my mind knows I’m asleep on the couch, the other three-quarters is disembodied consciousnesses floating in the vastness of space slowly unraveling into nothing. Needless to say, I’m confused. Literally, I’m confused. I’m disoriented. I don’t know which way is up. I can see myself on the couch, but I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know if I’m real. Everything is in flux and I’m laying there half asleep, half awake doubting that fact that I even exist.
I’m trying to move my body, but I can’t, which is terrifying because I have heard of, but have never experienced sleep paralysis if that’s what it was. I can’t move, I can’t think straight, I can’t even wake up. I’m lost within my own mind, surrounded by nothing but darkness. In a panic, in a mind shocking jolt of fear, as odd as this sounds, I reach out and pull my mind back together. I have to center myself and force myself to realize, who I am what I am and what I was doing. I’m losing my mind and I have to forcefully re-establish my own sanity. I started repeating to myself, maybe out loud, maybe only in my head.
“I am a human, I’m a human.
I’m on a couch, I’m on a couch”
I had to do this until I finally forced myself to wake up. I jump up off the couch stumbling around in the dark, still confused, still not fully sure where I am, or who I am, and then after a few moments my mind settles down and I come to my senses and the first thing I think is…. this going to make an amazing story.